President Whosis, Pt. 3
President Whosis: Gaga 4 Obama?
Political Satire by Kevin Feingold
Part Three
Get Real, Mr. President
A Presidential Address
Republican Candidate 2012
DIAMONDCARE!
***
From the desk of Kevin Feingold
Essay Get Real, Mr. President
I wouldn’t publicly air my opinions about another person’s life, but President Obama has made a fortune writing books— and he won the presidency— based on his “compelling personal narrative,” as his campaign staff calls it. He’s a public figure and he keeps bringing it up! That makes his life fair game for discussion.
This is what my mom and I said to each other at the dinner table over a three-day period.
*
Kevin: “Fifteen years from now, I don’t think people are going to be flocking to America.”
Mom: “You’re wrong! It will still be the Land of Opportunity. We are a democracy, and that means people can get ahead through intelligence, creative brilliance and hard work. We may no longer be the world leader, but talented people will still be attracted to the U.S.A.”
Kevin: “Over generations, Scandinavians have developed a collaborative attitude based on their climate: If you are caught outside alone on a winter night, you can literally freeze to death. So people have an innate tendency to help one another, to cooperate.
“Americans don’t have that. Here, it’s ‘Every man for himself.’ Everyone competes for the brass ring.
“Nine out of ten new businesses fail within a year. We focus on the handful of success stories— Mark Zuckerberg at Facebook, Bill Gates at Microsoft, Warren Buffett at Berkshire Hathaway— and ignore the 90% failure rate built into our capitalist system.
“‘Why do they get something for free when I have to work for everything I’ve got?’ complains the middle class, when welfare recipients receive life support. We don’t want to eat their food, live in their slums or suffer their indignities, but we are envious when they receive government charity.
“The great American failing: Giving a helping hand to those less fortunate.
“Struggling to make ends meet, we don’t even help our neighbors. What are the chances we’ll help strangers?
*
“There’s a reason why the Occupy Movement is complaining about the 99% opposing the top 1%. Corporate America owns the Congress, the presidential candidates, the government. The doors of Washington are always open to corporate lobbyists!
“The page A3 headline [ in April 14, 2012’s edition of The Washington Post ] reads ‘Obamas’ 2011 tax returns show earnings of $790,000.’ Guess where Obama fits into the battle between America’s top 1% and all the rest of us!”
Mom: “America is a capitalist country. The entire system was established to produce and maintain a society conducive to private enterprise.
“But the system has become badly skewed. Thanks to a conservative Supreme Court, super PACs can buy and run ads attacking candidates and we don’t even know who is behind the ad!
“How can Obama, as a Democrat, bail out Wall Street and let the rest of the country suffer?”
Kevin: “If X equals Y divided by 2, what is the value of voting for Obama?”
Mom: “Now I know what you do all day on your computer!”
Kevin: “America has its black heroes, people who have accomplished wonders: Tiger Woods, Colin Powell, Harry Belafonte… Martin Luther King.
“Who is this fresh-faced twit?
“Barack Hussein Obama is actually a corporate shill. He went to Harvard with corporate America. His law school buddies became lawyers representing corporate America. Obama is corporate America! That’s what the movie Inside Job is all about: The fact that Secretary of the Treasury Greenspan and Paulson and Geithner are all representatives of Wall Street, doing Wall Street’s bidding.
“Obama bailed out the automobile industry, the banks and the brokerage houses— but not Lehman Brothers, they can go hang! Meanwhile— the un-FDR— Obama lets Main Street suffer and disintegrate. Gee, I wonder where Obama’s true sympathies lie?
“Forget party labels, the two presidential candidates are the exact opposites of their public images: Romney is actually a liberal while Obama is a conservative, corporate errand boy.
“How does he get away with it? How can he promise us things and three years later, still not deliver? How can this president have even a shred of credibility? 99% of the people are disappointed in him!
“Here’s how! Obama is a totally manipulative charmer. He gets that old, hypnotic voodoo from his daddy.
“The first time I ever heard of Obama was at a New Year’s Eve party on December 31st, 2007. Some neighbors had been to a local fundraiser for a presidential candidate named Barack Obama. Jack and Jill were all excited: ‘He talked to us. Each of our children was allowed to ask a question and he answered each in turn! He’s wonderful! You should vote for him!’ They sounded like Moonies.
“And in an atavistic throwback to tribal culture, people bow to Obama as their leader simply because he is very tall. Are the Obamas Luo? The Luo are tall. Michelle is so tall, she could be Maasai. She has a Maasai face, handsomely bony with high cheekbones.
“Barack Obama shows people the Obama he thinks they want to see. That’s why he can talk like a white man up north, while in Chicago, he speaks with that classy, high-end Chicago accent that Oprah and the First Lady use. Yet, when Obama arrives in the South, he rails like a good ole colored boy.
“In order to maintain his mental health, Obama has had to compartmentalize his feelings. Obama would become mentally unhinged if he tried to live out all the sides of his personality simultaneously. We are all selective in what positive aspects of ourselves we emphasize at any particular moment. There’s the Obama who can listen to Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Jr. and fully agree with everything hateful the Reverend says. There’s the Obama who can go before a fundraiser consisting of white, Jewish people and convincingly declare his support for the issues they hold dear. There’s the Obama who calls himself a neutral broker, but feuds with Netanyahu and pushes the Palestinian cause. The Obama who tells Dmitry Medvedev, the Russian president, that he’ll be more ‘flexible’ after the election. There’s the Obama who sits in the White House, representing all Americans.
“Someone who has no true moral center and exhibits only situational empathy for an audience— instantly becoming whoever he thinks folks want to see at that moment— veers disturbingly close to psychopathic behavior. OBAMA CAN’T BE A PSYCHOPATH SINCE HE’S PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA… Ha ha ha! How’s that for a solipsism?
“Obama’s personality has never coalesced. Maybe this is what happens when you grow up in three different cultures without a father. Which is why his staff is so adamant about keeping him on a TelePrompTer. Left to speak his mind, they never know what the guy’s gonna say!
“His is an 8-year-old’s conception of what an adult male is supposed to be. He’s certainly not a grown-up. And he’s scared. That’s why he never stands up to bullies. The perpetual mama’s boy, he motormouths his way out of any confrontation.
“All things to all people, sometimes the mask slips. ’You didn’t build that’ will live forever in infamy. Or in 2008, after Obama won a few Democratic primaries, when Michelle Obama said ‘this is the first time in my life I’ve been proud to be an American.’
“Wha-at? Is this an intelligent statement to make in the middle of a hotly contested campaign for the presidential nomination? I. Don’t. Think. So.
*
“Barry Obama has every reason to hate America: America treats its blacks badly and Obama considers himself a black man.
“Barry Obama went to elementary school among Muslims in Indonesia. He wouldn’t be normal if he didn’t harbor an abiding affection for the people he grew up with!
“One of the disconnects of the Obama presidency is his utter lack of empathy toward his constituents. Black people are having problems? Too bad! The middle class is disappointed in the economy? Tough luck!
“Barack Obama doesn’t really care about anyone except himself, his wife and his two daughters. It’s them against the world.
*
“Think what it was like when Barry Obama left Indonesia and arrived in America to live with his maternal grandparents. Sometimes Obama claims he lived those years in Kansas. Other times, he says it was Hawaii. Is this nitpicking? Hawaii or Kansas? Which is it? Every man’s Everyman, with Barack Obama, you can never pin him down and find out the truth. His life is an ever-evolving story.
“Once, during the 2008 campaign, Obama let fly with the claim that he, as a young man, visited Pakistan with a student friend. “So I know that part of the world,” he explained. He could handle the war better than Hillary, since he understands the Pakistani mentality, yada, yada, yada. Accused of being a closet Muslim, you no longer hear Obama talking about trips to Pakistan as a 20-year-old.
“If moon bases had been an issue, the Obama campaign would have somehow announced that Barack had been to the moon!
“Whether young Barry lived in Hawaii or Kansas, there weren’t a whole lotta black people. So right from the start, he’s a minority of one. ‘Where’s your mama?’ his classmates ask. What’s he going to say? She’s somewhere in the Indian Ocean having sex with black men. What a cruel joke of nature that this hippie proponent of free love should die at an early age of ovarian cancer! ‘Where’s your daddy?’ ask his classmates. What’s Barry to say? His father is back in Kenya, drinking himself to death, living with one or more of his several wives.
“A child of a mixed, polygamous marriage, a black boy in Hawaii or Kansas, a stranger, Obama probably got picked last for a neighborhood game of basketball. Extremely bright and gifted, he made up his mind to become so good at basketball, the other kids would pick him first when choosing team-mates. Obama decided to become so good in school, he would get top marks and scholarships to college.
Being exceptional, he still found time for extra-curricular activities: The comments he made in his high school yearbook show he was more thankful for his drug dealer and Choom Gang brothers than he was for his mother and his grandparents. [Choom is Hawaiian slang for smoking pot ]
“Rather than spend life as an outsider, he became an overachiever and the ultimate insider, attaining any top honor he aimed for. The first black editor of The Harvard Law Review.
“You read his books, you see he made a fetish out of his voyage of personal discovery. Talk about ego, talk about ‘self-love,’ Obama thinks nobody is as exciting or complicated as he is! He is the ‘me generation’ up in lights.
His college record as an undergraduate at Columbia in New York City, however, remains sealed tighter than Mitt Romney’s tax returns. Why? Did Obama pose as a foreign student with a Kenyan father to get a better deal on foreign student aid and a scholarship? Just asking. In vain.
“That’s the partial history of Barry Obama.
*
“But there are other Obamas.
“There’s Barack Obama, the schooled, erudite union organizer and politician.
“There’s Barack Hussein Obama, who travels to Cairo and speaks sympathetically to the Arab world. He told the Egyptians that even America has a Muslim heritage in its history. Where did that come from? In my 11th grade social studies class, I learned a lot about the Protestants, many Irish Catholics, some Jews, the Quakers and the Baptists. The Mormons. But Muslims? Not so much. I don’t know where you went to school, Mr. Barry Hussein Obama, but here on the mainland, we never heard anything about Islam.
“There’s the Obama who contributed to Reverend Wright’s church year after year, despite the Reverend’s vitriolic feelings about America. What was the attraction of that particular congregation? Could there be some pent-up anger showing or did the good Reverend appeal to Obama’s latent Marxism? As Barack and Michelle discovered in 2008, trying to deny 14 years of Sunday observance is a lose-lose situation. Either they daydreamed through the sermons, not listening, which they claim— making them self-absorbed jerks— or they were on-board for the whole, hate-filled harangue. Reverend Wright married the Obamas, baptized their children and allowed Barack to launch his campaign from the Reverend’s home. Was this the serendipity of convenient scheduling and affordable prices or could there have been some other attributes at work?
“Many Obamas. We’re not talking about multiple personalities, because that implies having no control over one’s situation. We’re talking about sublimation, suppressing one side of oneself in favor of another to fit the moment.
“You have to assume that Obama resents the fact that he has to hide his real self to get ahead. I would. You’d resent it. That’s why you get this frenetic need to love his fellow man. His inclination is the opposite. You get mistreated, you resent it. That’s why Oprah Winfrey has to shout so emphatically, “I LOVE TEACHERS! “ She’s compensating for the fact that she really doesn’t like them.
“Poor Barry! We don’t love— and didn’t elect— Barry Obama. Him we never saw. We didn’t elect the real Obama, the one visible to Barack Obama in his bathroom mirror in the morning, because we’ve never met him either. I suspect Michelle has. We haven’t.
“The tragedy is, Obama could get real and still have support, probably more support than he has at the moment. The guy is an American. His true feelings can’t be too different from the rest of us! He pays lip service to our common set of values and ideals— “
Mom: “Be fair! Even with his own agenda, he’s some sort of American!”
Kevin: “Okay! As Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon were California presidents, Obama is our first Hawaiin president. The mores and traditions of your youth do make a difference in how you perceive the world. Electing Obama as our first black president was a social experiment that failed. He is left-handed, reacting in reverse of almost everyone else: When we’re pragmatic, he’s emotional. When we’re emotional, he’s pragmatic!
“It bothers me that he ‘admitted’ to having a smoking addiction, but no one ever saw a photo of the president smoking a cigarette. That shows a basic lack of candor, of honesty.
“The Obama-haters complain about that very fact: They find him dishonest, unreal. A poseur, a snake oil salesman, a circus barker, a b. s. artist. A drama queen who needs all the air in the room for hisself. A Chicago politician.
“He’s a speechifier, capable of talking eloquently on any subject. He’s a great performer, but he has his limits. He’s no Shakespearean actor, capable of memorizing entire plays. No, Obama needs a TelePrompTer. Still, he can talk the birds out of the trees. He so impressed the Democratic Party’s ‘super delegates’ with his 2004 keynote address, they dubbed him a superstar and awarded him the 2008 Democratic nomination. So much for learned elder statesmen!
“Having fought hard in the primaries and caucuses, Hillary Clinton went into the 2008 Democratic Convention with more of the popular vote than Obama. Like love-struck schoolgirls, the Dem leadership ignored all that and went with the basketball hero. We’re witnessing politics when it’s handled like a high school popularity contest. Who’s coolest, who’s in, who’s hot, who’s got it ?”
*
Mom: “Our California cousins feel Obama is good for Israel. If he gets reelected, I say, ‘Watch out!’”
Kevin: “What they said was, ‘Forget what Obama says, look at what he does.’ They point out that the Obama administration has given one billion dollars a year to Israel in military aid, the last three years.”
Mom: “I didn’t want to say anything, but they’re out in California. It’s not Obama who gave Israel that money, it’s Congress. Congress appropriates the money, Congress passes the bills. When the bill arrives on Obama’s desk to sign, he dare not refuse because then he won’t get the money to win reelection. Once reelected, there’ll be no way to hold Obama accountable.”
Kevin: “The Israeli appropriation goes back to the Camp David Accords. Both Egypt and Israel agreed to peace. The U.S. guaranteed military aid to both.”
Mom: “I can understand a self-hating Jew like David Axelrod— a J Streeter— working for Obama, but I’ve never understood how someone from an Israeli family like Rahm Emanuel could work for him.”
Kevin: “There’s nothing flighty about the Israelis. Anything Israel does, it does to survive. I don’t say ‘Israel, right or wrong!’ like the conservatives in the Likud Party. But having lived there a year in my youth, I give even the most outrageous behavior the benefit of the doubt.
“Jeremy Ben-Ami and J Street are like my cousin Jeffy in Brooklyn: ‘Israel is causing problems. That makes Jews unpopular. My life in America would be easier if that wasn’t happening.’ They don’t oppose the existence of Israel, they only personalize the resulting anti-Semitism and wish the troublemaking Israelis would stop annoying people and make peace with the Palestinians. Even if it means marching backwards into the sea.
“I think, as Obama’s Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel saw himself as a gate-keeper and Obama’s guilty conscience, holding the president to his promise to behave right towards Israel. With Rahm gone from the White House, things don’t look promising for Israel if Obama gets a second term.
“The Israelis have already written off Obama. Since they can’t trust him, Israel is relying on its own capabilities to defend the country. They feel Obama has become superfluous. It’s only the American people who still believe in Obama.
“There’s a joke inherent in all this, you know. Once reelected, come 2014, Obama will do a Nixon and gather his staff in the West Wing of the White House and say: ‘Congress passed the 22nd Amendment after FDR was elected president for the fourth time. That was then. We don’t really need presidential term limits with a president who is as young and popular and desirable as me. Let’s float the notion in Congress that we ought to abolish presidential term limits! We’ll tell the American people, Look how much we’ve accomplished in these six years! Imagine how much more we can do, given another six! It’s a win-win situation!’”
Mom: “Ha ha!
“I don’t understand how Obama could cut appropriations for NASA and abandon the quest for the moon. Doesn’t he realize that America’s hope is intimately tied to space exploration?
“Look at how many thousands of people flooded the Mall to say goodbye to a piece of metal!”
Kevin: “The space shuttle Discovery, getting piggybacked atop a 747 jumbo jet…”
Mom: “If it was a funeral cortège for a person, I could understand the outpouring of love and affection, but for a spacecraft…?
“It was a dumb move politically to disband America’s quest for space, if people are so enamored of the program. Isn’t the audacity of hope to dream of inhabiting other worlds?”
Kevin: “’Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.’
“Obviously, Obama didn’t grow up with Star Trek. He was born in 1961, in Hawaii, andlived in Indonesia. He seems to have missed the whole Star Trek experience. But, yeah, it does seem a dumb move to curtail NASA at this particular moment.
“Which is cheaper, funding NASA or bailing out General Motors?”
Mom: “Aha! A rhetorical question, I’m sure. What’s the answer?”
Kevin: “NASA’s budget was $18.7 billion in 2010. The U.S. Treasury holds 500 million shares of GM stock. Two shares for every living American?! The shares would have to sell at $53 apiece to break even. Right now, we’re facing a loss of $25 billion.
“NASA is about to take a billion dollar budget cut. For the money we lost on GM, we could have maintained NASA’s budget at the same level for the next 25 years.
“Owning GM stock hasn’t solved their problem. Dear old GM continues to bleed greenbacks out its ass.
“What’s the effing attraction of GM? GM has dues-paying union members. That’s the sole interest in saving their baby.”
Mom: ”While we sit back and watch the Russians populate the moon.”
Kevin: “Or the Chinese!”
Mom: “The North Koreans sent up a rocket, but it fell apart…”
Kevin: “Yeah, they need a couple of more years!
“Why, when we’re supposed to be moving forward, do we always end up two steps back? Obama is doing the Michael Jackson Moonwalk! He faces forward, but his gliding steps propel us backward into the grip of economic ruin.
***
From the desk of Blackie Diamond
Speech A Presidential Address
“Good afternoon, my fellow Americans!
“I take great pleasure in speaking to you today from this section of the White House named after Rose Garten. I never knew Rose, but I’m sure she was a wonderful American, whoever she was.
“Some people say I shouldn’t have the Premier standing here by my side. My answer to them is: Only by opening a dialog with your opponent, can you hope to influence him in the right direction.
“To those who say we shouldn’t be negotiating with the Premier, I say that only through open negotiation can both parties lay their cards on the table and make known their needs and desires.
“Some feel we should not be entertaining a mass murderer in the White House. Again, it is up to us to extend the olive branch if any progress is to be made in securing a lasting peace. We want to make it easy for the Premier to aspire to better behavior internationally.
“Many have criticized our various concessions, fearing they make us look weak. Yet, by conceding so much right from the outset, I hope to set an example for our opponent, demonstrating that sacrificing some of his cards doesn’t arbitrarily lead to defeat.
“It’s audacious, but if you never try, you never win!
“Some nitpickers complain about letting the Premier and his charming wife use the Lincoln Bedroom. My wife and I feel it is important to be gracious, welcoming hosts if these sensitive talks are to truly bear fruit.
“It is my belief that letting the Premier freely use the facilities of the Oval Office forges a sense of brotherhood and shared responsibility between our two great nations.
“After all, Isaac Newton was right, the world is flat!
“As for our abandonment of certain other countries, in an effort to reach agreement with our adversary, as my Granny used to say, ‘You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.’
“I’ve heard criticism because the treaty we are about to sign isn’t written in English. I feel this is merely a symbolic bow to our guest. As long as we Americans know what we mean, it would be foolish to miss such a golden opportunity over something as trivial as language.
“Is it wrong to cede American protectorates in other parts of the globe? History will show that these gestures of friendship and understanding, in the end, led to an accord that both sides can live with. At least for the time being.
“Finally— and I’ve purposely left this most momentous decision for last— I believe that future generations will look back and fully comprehend why it is in America’s best interest, at this juncture in our history, to discard that musty relic of the past and rename our country more in keeping with the spirit of the times. In our hearts, we’ll always be America. It’s only the official designation that will change: West China.
“This is truly— and I say this from the depths of my heart— a monumental occasion.
“Thank you and good afternoon. I will now let the Premier conclude this press conference with his prepared remarks.”
***
From the desk of Kevin Feingold
Essay Republican Candidate 2012
My 14-year-old girlfriend Erin thinks both President Blackie Diamond and his Republican rival are sexy. “They’re so good-looking!” she exclaims. My attempts to explain that they are groomed for the camera fall on deaf ears.
She’s 14, her hormones are infallible. Like Blackie, she’s a b-ball fanatic, sinking layups and free throws with alarming regularity. Extremely flirtatious, she expects me to live like a eunuch and spend like a sailor. How did we meet? Spotting her walking home from school, I picked her up on a whim. Her body is curvaceous in all the wrong places, but she has flaxen hair, piercing sky-blue eyes and a face as innocent as a lamb. She’s the angriest person I’ve ever met! We’re two peas in a pod. Not recommended!
There’s no accounting for taste.
This year’s Republican candidate Mick Rodney, another very tall man, is no improvement over President Diamond. A white guy and a one-time ambassador to Cambodia, he’s as bad as Blackie. If Blackie believes in letting the tail of business wag the dog of government, Mick believes you should bob the dog’s tail, throw away the dog and keep the stump.
It’s interesting to open the newspaper: You never know what stupid gaffe to expect from the presidential contenders. Inside the Beltway— where “the art of managing a campaign” is Topic A— my contemporaries endlessly play “What Mick Meant.” At this rate, it may replace Halo 3. Whenever Mick gets in trouble, his problem includes the capital letter “I”. He said “I like firing people,” when what he meant was, “If a company delivers poor service, you should be able to tell them to take a hike.” He was quoted as saying “I’m not concerned about the very poor,” when what he meant was, “There is a safety net for the very poor which is sadly lacking for the middle class.”
Mick is egocentric. His staff should jam the letter “I” on his portable device.
“Now it’s true that I was never elected to public office,” Mick says at the start of every campaign speech, right after praising the wife, saluting the flag and greeting the crowd in Khmer. “But just look at George Bush! He was never elected to public office either. Not until the day he was elected governor of Texas.
“Now let me explain my years at DooD Capital. We called it DooD because it’s a palindrome: The word works just as well going forward as in reverse.
“Golly gee willikers, it’s true that not every business DooD ever touched, prospered. Some companies were groomed for success, while others were better suited as organ donors.
“What was our methodology? We hung out at the motorcycle track serving needy crash victims… with some regularity… We were good at it!
“No one can read a spreadsheet like I can. If there’s wealth on your books, I’ll find it and suck it right out of there! Vacuum it up.
“The result was, some of the patients died on the table.
“It became almost an incantation, ‘Hey, DooD, where’s my business?’
“And because our backroom was entirely staffed by white-breads— and all our executives were awkward white honkies whose genealogy had been vetted six to nine generations back to ensure they were sufficiently boring and white— some people were under the mistaken impression that DooD Capital was a Wall Street company! Nothing could be further from the truth, I assure you. We did not require Wall Street’s expertise to render lifeless half the companies we ever bought.
“America’s Got Talent! We did that all on our own.
“Of course I want to rule America, everybody! A quick look at my tax returns and you’d see that I already own half the country. FYI, Warren Buffett owns the other half.
“Is this a great country or what?!… Darn tootin’ it is! I’ll tell you how great as soon as I check the Nasdaq.
“Hooray for America!… I’m right about that, aren’t I?
“If you’re invited to the High Roller Campaign Fundraiser later today— and I know some few of you are— bring a hearty appetite! We’re serving plates of remorse, chagrin and disappointment. Eat up! There’s a lot more where this came from.
“People criticize my family because we’re members of the super-rich top 1%. They say our children are so perfect, they are cloned from Dolly the Sheep. No way! Our children are way better than Dolly. We’re so white, we bleach our Wonder Bread.
“America in 2012! Westward ho! Rock me when you sock me!
“Aw, shucks! I’m your man.
“Vote for me on November 6th !”
*
I’ve warned my mom that even if Mick is the Irish anti-Diamond— “He’s a mick, but in a good way”— once elected, he’ll start doing a lot of Republican things that we core Democrats dislike. “He’ll disband the Environmental Protection Agency, push deregulation and tinker with parts of the government we Dems fought long and hard to establish. The Spirit of Ronnie Reagan continues to stalk the land like a malevolent ghost, chanting ‘The less government, the better! Government is the problem, not the solution!’ As long as Reaganism remains the national religion, we’re screwed!”
President Reagan was the one who joked, “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’”
I side with libertarian Paul Rand when he says, “What my opponents need in these debates is a throat lozenge that raises I.Q. levels!”
Mick Rodney’s tepid message fails to match his stirring oratory. Mick Rodney, turnaround expert. You turn around and, poof!, the man has shrunk to the size of an ant!
When Mick chose Alvin the Chipmunk as his running mate— someone whose formative years were spent driving the Oscar Mayer wienermobile, a disciple of Ayn Rand, a man who considers the 1890’s the height of American civilization and wants America to return to the Gold Standard— the battle for the White House was over.
Author Teddy White chronicles in The Making of the President 1960 a disenchanted voter who says, “Mister, they could put a dog at the top of that ticket and I’d vote for him.”
The public’s disillusionment with Blackie is catastrophic, but Mick doesn’t need to push the envelope! Alvin is a dumb choice.
Against stupidity, the gods themselves fight in vain.
***
From the desk of Blackie Diamond
An Appeal DIAMONDCARE!
The hot issue this season is, of course, health care. It’s sexy, it’s controversial, it’s IN and it is bankrupting the country! Metaphorically speaking, all the most popular politicians have it stenciled on their backpacks. Forget Aruba, this year’s hot destination is in the Congress or on the campaign trail debating health care.
It makes me sick just thinking about it!
Naw, I’m just funnin’ ya! Giving you a taste of my “devastating bedside manner.” They teach you that in med school, in General Practice 101.
But enough about me! Together, here tonight, we shall tackle head-on this thorny issue. My solution is simple, short and easily understood.
“65 is the new 90!”
Global warming, a dying planet, pandemics, drought, wildfires, extreme weather such as tornadoes, hurricanes and derechos, flooding… hello-o! What are we talking here?
The ten plagues! Our iniquity has finally caught up with us. The Lord’s punishment for our guilty pleasures— LIKE REALITY TV— is visited upon us.
I never did like reality TV! What’s the message on The Bachelorette? That beautiful, blond, empty-headed 22-year-old drama queens are immensely DESIRABLE. That they are our ideal. Beautiful people.
Instead of coming to grips with our insane dependence on a carbon footprint that is literally obliterating our planet, we’re watching juggling impresarios on America’s Got Cajones!
Our dependence on oil, our endlessly wasteful misuse of drinking water and forestry products, our unbridled pollution of the oceans and the land, a system of automotive transportation that poisons the very air we breathe, our total addiction to electrical appliances, our utter dependence on over-medication, all contribute to a lifestyle that is simply no longer sustainable.
Denial isn’t only a river in Egypt, people.
Peter “Pretzel” Brush was Pharaoh and I am Moses leading you to the Promise Land. I envision a United States that resembles the Jeffersonian agrarian society. You Teepee Party people! This is what the Founding Fathers were all about! This is where it’s at, a pursuit worthy of uniting with the Green Party. Bipartisan, we can beat this sucker!
Guess what? I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell! 1
*
I’m tired of this administration being unjustly accused of “turning back the clock to the 1800’s.” From now on, let’s at least make this accusation both justifiable and accurate.
We gots our kitchen garden at the White House, but it won’t feed y’all. Get yo’selves a-plantin’ an’ a-pickin’ if yo’ wants to eat.
Peter “Pretzel” Brush really left us with a mess and it’s all his fault!
So— how do you maintain a medical system without bankrupting the budget? By letting Mother Nature run its course.
With a few simple changes in our current health care system, you’ll never even reach the pesky age of 66!
We can do this, y’all. Yes, we can!
It’s adaptive, it’s innovative and, thanks to our biochemists, IT’S FUN!
That’s right! Our new little yellow pill is positively euphoria-inducing. I haven’t tried it myself, but you would be hard-pressed to find a happier laboratory full of rhesus monkeys! Even the lab rats have gotten entirely new, benign personalities. No more gnawing through the walls of their enclosures. They just sit back and salivate… Just like the rest of us!
“Life is Good in the New World of Chronologically-defined Health Care!”
- No more DEATH PANELS. Everyone is terminated on a first-come-to-65 basis.
- Blue collar, white collar, gold collar— the 1% or the 99% — your place on the totem pole no longer affects your ability to get affordable, sustainable medical treatment… RIGHT UP UNTIL YOUR TERMINATION DATE.
- Imitating Mother Nature, a healthier, happier— albeit obese— population maintains itself through chronologically-based culling.
- In cases of date rape, legitimate rape, illegitimate rape, hate rape, casual rape and grape rape, illegitimi non carborundum, “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.” See, unlike the Republicans, my plan even covers tonsillectomies!
What is the big ball-buster in maintaining universal coverage? Care of the elderly. Eliminate that, and 75% of the problem is taken care of!
And now we really have a reason to focus and USE OUR DAYS!
I have put Secretary of the Treasury Penny R. Cade in charge of this austerity project.
If you are having trouble with the concept, go to our DIAMONDCARE! website and click on the In Time icon. A streaming video of the movie of the same name will instantly be made available. We can’t promise the eternal life part yet, but we’ve got the terminal date part worked out beautifully.
I’m Blackie Diamond and I give that movie an A++ rating.
DIAMONDCARE!
A system for maintaining health care despite economic collapse!
A packet of materials is in the mail.
Sign up today!
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1 Christopher Walken in the Saturday Night Live cult classic “More cowbell” from April 8, 2000.
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